The past few weeks God has really been turning me into this woman that some days I do not recognize. It is very hard to explain what I mean, but to summarize it feels as though God is making me push myself beyond my comfort zones so that what has been holding me back has no control over me anymore. My previous post was about purging and purifying, and at the time I didn’t realize God was actually doing that to me.
To be very transparent, I have sought things from my husband and because it is not God’s appointed time for my husband to be what I need or what my children need, I end up hurting myself because he doesn’t give me what I need and deserve from a husband. But, the reason I am sharing this is because this last incident was an awakening. God told me to not seek anything from my husband and to just focus on what God wants me to do. Also, God allowed spiritually for me to let go of what our marriage once was, and it wasn’t anything good. We are not divorced and I know that God does not want me to divorce my husband, but more that I had to purge myself of what I still was needing from my husband.
Ever since that day I have been pushing myself to seek God in new ways, and a few days ago I had a moment where I just cried and it was a heartfelt cry. But it felt like something was released from me, I whimpered and tears just kept falling. I wasn’t understanding why, but as I cried it felt good because it was like I was releasing something. It feels like I have gone into the fighting ring multiple times, fighting the way I thought best based on what I thought was right. But, now it feels like God is preparing me to win all fights based on God’s way, timing, and direction.
Journeying with God is not a pretty process. Going from crawling, to walking, then to running is not easy. I know what it’s like to crawl in this journey for God, to plead for Him to change things and need Him to help pick me up. I know what it’s like to be afraid to literally walk out the door to walk into my destiny. I’m in the walking phase now, literally. God will separate you from people because He needs to groom you and work on you. It may hurt but it’s for God’s Glory and my Victory! Matthew 19:26 says But Jeses looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”